An anger jew he is not.

    I have never done a post about atheism, but it should be no secret that I am one. My take on theology usually has a negligible impact on how I interpret the world. On this occasion, however, the atheism of All-My-Bs must come to fruition in full, if my comments are to make sense. Now, on to the meat of the matter
    Some of you may have seen this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51-EJObUt-o. This hit a raw nerve with me. Listen to the rabbi’s rhetoric. Atheists are “Parasites”, benefiting from the fruits of a religious construct. He goes on as if to say “This is OUR America, how dare you act contrary to my idea of reality!” At this point I would like to address Daniel Lapin directly. I know he will never read this, but I don’t care.
    Alright look dick head, Here are a few concepts you might not have considered:
Most Atheists de-converted from a religion. Thats right, some people are actually unhappy with religion. The only positive correlation between deep religious faith and quality of life is the one you fabricated. What do you say to the children whose parents think prayer is an effective alternative to medical treatment. Statistically speaking “Your fucked” is about the most accurate you can get. Or if you prefer a more demonstrable example, how do you explain the religious justification for marginalizing and oppressing numerous groups of people. When you say “enhancing of life” by faith, why do I get the feeling you mean “enhancing quality of life for ME and MY people.” Get with the melting pot mother fucker.
    I would like to add a disclaimer for my religious readers (if you are indeed still reading at this point). I acknowledge that faith comes in many nuances, and that religion can be a force for good. I don’t hate religion or religious people. My issue with religion is strictly when it is used as a political force. In the immortal words of youtube[.com]’s FightingAtheist: actions are more important then believes.

The last thing a nastagic weather man sees.

Dear present and future retail employeers,

I am not a myopic benevolent non-person-employee robot zombie for hire. I am, however, open to sugjestions. 

AntennaGate for dumbies

Would one of the fuckwads from the antenna-gate camp please explain to me what apple stands to gain by releasing a defective product? To me, this situation smacks of anti-apple fanboys taking the piss. I have a hard to time giving the benefit of the doubt here, because if you actually bother to study the technology involved you will discover that this is an issue that is relevant to all wireless devices, in one way or another.

For example, Electromagnetic radiation (radio waves, mircowaves, gamma rays, ect) are absorbed by metals (some elements do so more then others). This is why the dentist gives you lead (Pb) padding when you get an xray. Wireless routers can experience interference from high water content, metals, and devises that generate some kinds of radiation, such as a microwave.

So what am I trying to get at here? My point is this: a fish tank will cause interference for a router if put in the correct place, and you morons are surprised when covering a wireless antenna reduces signal strength. Well jesus H. Christ private! You can come to my house and fuck my sister.

Dear Ray Comforts of the world

For those creationists who claim that there are not transitional fossils:

http://tinyurl.com/2u49p9j

A room full of true scotsmen

    Which of the following activities sounds worse to you; using curse words (fuck, ass, cunt and so forth), or lynching a person because of skin color. If you choose the latter, and you are among the many [US of] Americans who go on about the “decline of morality”, then would you please explain to me when this morally centered American existed?
    If you think that the conspicuous absence of an arbitrary set of words in everyday language is a larger moral step backwards then segregation by race then maybe you don’t mean the same thing that I do when you say ‘morality’. My point is that a population desensitized to a set of nebulas words that aren't actually a good cause for offense in the first place is a poor metric to measure anything, morality least of all. Come to think of it no such metric exists. Elements of society change at a fair rate, some things improving while others take a turn for the worse. With this in mind I don’t think one can make a generalized statement about morality overall, and would be hard pressed to justified it.
    In hindsight I think its fair to say that things have progressed a fair bit. Woman can vote, black people are not slaves, and coming out as gay is only political suicide, as apposed to before when it was just outright suicide. 
    In conclusion the use of swear words without scruple is not evidence of a decline of morality. Rather, it is evidence of a change in morality. There is nothing wrong with discarding a dogmatic and outmoded convention that never accomplished anything in the first place.


On a side note: I mentioned a few posts ago that I was going to do another piece on windows. That got hung up a bit but is back in the works. Stay tuned.

RE: Nintendo E3 presentation

    I have a really great idea for a new game. It starts out with a quick time event in which all of the major Nintendo characters die in a painful and graphic explosion. Stephen Fry then appears on screen and explains to the player that if he or she is feeling nostalgic about an old favorite game, they should go play the original. The player then takes control of a Nintendo executive and is sent on a quest to fire the game design staff and embarks on a fantastic adventure to employ young and creative game designers and artists. Upon completion the player is rewarded with a cut screen in which a team of talented writers takes the English translation of a Japanese game’s script and use it as a guideline to rewrite the game’s dialogue so it doesn't sound like a 11 year old wrote it.
    It seems fitting that Nintendo featured a Disney game at this years E3 for several reasons. First, and most significantly because they both sold out to the point where the original creative spark is barely recognizable under the low frequency shit storm that is nin-dis-no. Also because both companies hardcore fan bases consist of overly protective fanboys, or in Disney's case sexually suppressed teenage girls.
    In conclusion: The adjective epic should never be used to describe yarn.

Angry PM made public

I was going to go round two with Windows this time, but I have something more pressing to take care of first. Now to our feature presentation.



Dear Asshole,



It’s people like me who make your place in the world possible. My question to you is, why so serious? It should be obvious to any half way intelligent individual that being patronizing to a group of people your livelihood is so axiomatically reliant on is a recipe for failure. This particular culinary metaphor is liberally seasoned with your ego, and washed down with an inebriating blend of stupidity and projection. The power trip needs to stop. You know who you are.








Reality check: C=2/3X. Fuck Off.

AllΩInYourHead

I hate stupid men, more then I do stupid women. Mostly because stupid woman tend to be ignorant, albeit with some minimal depth. Stupid men advertise their simpleton nature every chance they get.

Today, during my study period in the library, I decided to break from the norm (isolation), and sit with my fellow man. I discovered to my dismay that I was surrounded by guys who describe themselves as "into cars" (while lacking knowledge of how a combustion engine works, or even a lightbulb for that matter). I quickly removed myself from the conversation and was treated to about an hour of dick fear and bullshit. I really have no interest in listening to someone with the mentality of a sexually active gibbon talk about the imaginary Lexus he intends to purchase with his wait staff salary. Nor do I care to be regaled with (the antitheses of) intellectual debate regarding which mainstream (g)Emo talentless 3 chord rock band is worth the $60 ticket price. As luck would have it, my MacBook plays a good game of chess. 

Also, Jay Z apparently "At least has talent."

Complaint department

Complaining is a bit like singing. Everybody can do it, but not everyone knows how, or should. Some of you don't know what your doing, and your giving the word complain a negative connotation for the rest of us. I am going to educate the amateur complainers who happen to stumble upon my corner of the internet (I happen to know most of the people that frequent this page, all 3 of you, are seasoned trouble makers and masters of the complaint).

For those of you who doubt my credentials:

I am the offspring of a hippy and a jew. I am a cynical hobbit who in part shares a moral compass with Foamy The Squirrel (A rodent after my own heart).


#1: How to tell if your complain maker material

You should never complain if you:
Take Oprah seriously
Send more then 60 E-mails on a non professional basis a day
Think the quizzes on facebook/myspace mean anything
Consider Sitcoms an accurate depiction of everyday life
Consider makeup and cosmetic surgery an alliterative to being intelligent and likable
Think that Star Wars: The Clone Wars has any artistic value
Have not logged off of AIM (or whatever IM client you use) in the pass 40 days
Have a hard time with any of the concepts presented on sesame street.
Call yourself a poet and have a vocabulary of under 250 words.
Think Protons are those things from star trek.
Don't know the difference between Socialism, Communism, and a nuclear crisis.
are offended by the mention of Nazis or The Holocaust, and have no connection to either.
have ever used net-speak in a school paper, report for work, tax form, or job application and then wondered why you failed, got fired, found return to sender stamped on an envelope in your mail box, or didn't get the joke.
remember a time when the statement above applied to you and you pulled the discrimination card in response.
Hear voices in your head and/or think magic is an alliterative to modern medicine.
You think The Jetsons is based on a true story.
You don't understand which items on the list above are jokes, and which are serious..

You should complain if you:
Have little or no tolerance for “mainstream people”.
Can belittle the intelligence of someone discretely.
 you know when human rights are violated, but refuse to be emotional blackmailed into allying with self righteous tools.
Have and/or are prepared to haggle with a retail clerk at a moments notice.  
Understand why “objective morality” is ironic.
Can come up with insulting acronyms for: (g)Emo, Hippster, and (bonus question) Straight-Edge, in the space of 5 minutes. 
Cringe whenever someone says “Oh my god!”, use 'like' incorrectly, or doesn't understand the value of blue words and reflects their ignorance with there vocabulary.
Find people who use facebook/myspace as the focal point of their social lives revolting, but wish friendship status applications could be implemented in real life.
Hate people who tell you to stop using big words.

This list is only a first draft. Anyone who has additional items may submit them by Sending me an email, leaving a comment, or stapling your suggestion to a  seagull and sending it on its way.

If you passed the initial viability test: Congratulations, read on.

If you didn't pass the initial viability test: Its to late, you already increased my traffic figures. Kindly stop complaining until you have something meaningful to say. 


2# techniques and applications.


Chapter R: the soap box

getting up in-front of people is the oldest forum for complaints. If someone actually provides you with a soap box, standing on it is a rookie mistake. You should swing it around with force as you rant and throw it at hecklers. This strategy is even more effective when you are competing for an audience. The best advice I can give to anyone is to have a well thought out series of complaints, and find a way to deliver them that will be meaningful to those paying attention. I always found yelling to be the most effective tactic. But you can't yell all the time, you have to build up to it.

Chapter 14: Formal Complaints.

When dealing with corporations, people in positions of power, and so forth, you must make sure your clear about what your issue is. If your issue is with over all quality, it is best to cite specific failures. Remember that when people running corporation, and holding public office consistently fail , it is generally because they are stupid and incompetent. Keep this in mind as your plan and write your complaints. If you are writing a letter or email, try to write at a higher reading level then the person you are corresponding with. Often times the actual content of your complaints are irrelevant when trying to make the target feel like a moron.

Chapter L|0|L: Complaining on the internet[s].

Ten points if you picked on the absolute value joke.

Don't use net speak. Use punctuation. If you can read the following and understand it completely without any difficulty, then I hereby ban you from the internet.

my compter doesnt wory nemore do u no y i hav tryied all nothin i fonud her was usful just cuz it worz4u donot meen it dofor all plz help my problem iz bad and i ned to get it wor y dont ne1 help me cuz i be here for4hour typin and noone respnd ifz u ignor me cuz it wor4u thn help cuz tats mean muy comuter is slo for sum resason nad i hav to us it for wowz andmy high lvl lolmage neds to helpz the nubs.

The moral of this story is: before you post, type what you have to say into a word processor and COUNT THE RED LINES ASSHOLE.


Final thoughts:


Here is a simple way to tell if you should not be using the internet:


Refresh this page 3 times and then add “/ssabdmub” to the end of the website address and press return.

Help a brother out.

Those of you on the YT atheist circuit might know Tommy. He is in a bit of jam, and he is selling some of his stuff.

The Items he is selling:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kB0V7yxfBKk&feature=channel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feVv_1CR1iA&NR=1

Window Effect

    Every time a new release of windows comes out, I am approached by several people who ask me what I think of it. There is a fool proof way to predict what the next installment of windows will be like.

    Gather 'round children, its time for a story. Our tale begins in the mid 1990's. A time when the word “Hardware” could finally leave a persons lips without a sense of irony. Paper tapes were finally a thing of the past. CD drives and floppy disks for all! Out of the woodwork, an unlikely hero emerged. It's name was Windows 95. Known for its unreasonable system resource usage, imaginative error messages, and the even more famous blue screen of [fatal error] death, Windows 95 irritated the masses. But our hero['s luck] was not made to last. For the masses responded to Windows 95's incompatibility and overall uselessness with contempt and malice. They revolted with unspeakable acts of monitor violation and computer defenestration!
    Out of the fecal matter arose a new kind of windows... Windows 98. Windows 98 is basically a copy and paste of Windows 95 with less frequent errors.  And so the people crowned Windows 98 the king of the PC (preschool computing, pre-calculator, PiecE'o'Crap). But the time came when Windows 98 could no longer provide the proper level of instability.
    At this point in the story we are just leaving the stone age. It is year 2000. And the Microsoft NT (Not Technology, Neanderthal Technology) Sub series brings us Windows 2000 (Millennium, ME, 2k, Windows PooThousand). This addition was a new kind of failure. Instead of trying to do everything, and failing in the most hilarious way possible, Windows 2000 did a few things reasonably okay, and ignored everything else. With a mighty 256 Megabytes of ram, the once herculean task of having four windows open a once became child's play. With a slightly larger resolution, Windows 2000 surfed the internet are a staggering (LIES!) 4 pages a minute. 
    As time went on, Windows 2000 became obsolete. It was replaced by an installment of windows that is often (cited in arguments by people who don't understand computers) called the best windows, Windows Xp (Xanthine-less Piss). Windows Xp was stable (Car Crash) for the most part, but weaker then competing operating systems of that time period. Windows Xp is the most popular windows, because it crashes less.
    Contrary to popular believe, Windows Xp was the last installment to have been released to date. But lo our story continues! Windows 95 is reborn. Blue Screen thy name is Vista. Windows Vista is the same thing as Windows 95. Microsoft tries to fool its users into thinking they have purchased a newer operating system with UAC (User Annoyance Continuum), and a better look GUI. But don't be fool! Likewise, Windows 7 is simply a repackaging of Windows 98. The next installment of Windows will be a repacking of Windows 2000, and so forth. This phenomenon call The Windows Cycle. The windows Cycle is simply the systematic recycling of older operating systems. We are currently on Phase II of The Windows Cycle. So by understanding the The Windows Cycle, you can know what the  next addition of windows will be like. Going on Microsoft's previous release patterns the second coming of Windows Xp will be out in about a decade, give or take a few years.

    Stop asking what I think of the new windows. They all suck so get over it

zOMG wer r u!?!?!?!?

Now hear this: Your friends don't need to know what your doing at all times. Instant messenger clients are for instant messaging, not letting everyone what your doing when your not at the computer. The "Away" feature was intended for someone who is going to be away from their computer for a short period of time. If your not messaging with someone log the hell off. If your friends get offended if you suddenly go somewhere without telling them, then you need new friends.
It may be hard to believe, but some people have social lives that don't revolve around the internet. That's not to say that the internet isn't a great tool for keeping in touch, but we have to draw the line somewhere. If you found your long lost friend on face-book, great! If you keep up with your old school friends via email, sweet deal. If you can't maintain meaningful contact with someone without a screen, then kindly unplug your router.
One final note: if your on a forum and someone is asking for help, don't post if you don't have anything useful to say. Your needlessly taking server space, that someone else is paying for.

Irreducibly stupid

This post is dedicated to everyone with an IQ over 90. My experiences in the past few weeks leads me to believe that there are fewer of them then it would seem. (dialogue in Italic is yours truly) 

    (Book Store Clerk) “We can exchange this product for the one you need, but unfortunately the only way we can do that is to give you a refund on the difference?”

Oh.... okay? Ah? Well..... Excuse me? Isn’t that standard protocol? No, please keep my money and donate it to the save the dinosaurs foundation. 

    (Clergy on Youtube[.com]) “The Atheists are DESTROYING AMERICA!!!11@L0l!”

How?
    (Same Clergy on Youtube[.com]) “Atheists are the manifestation of TH3 DEV!Lz!”

If I was the devil I would not be wasting my time arguing with you. Besides I thought that was the talking point you used against the gay rights movement, but thats not a religious issue at all. Oh wait. So basically the devil is anyone who disagrees with you. OH NO! NOT PEOPLE THAT HAVE DIFFERENT BELIEFS!

    (Generic claymation blockhead) “7 in 8 Americans are starving. Don’t send aid abroad”

Source please! Last I heard 6 in 8 Americans are overweight. I pulled statistics out of my ass BEFORE it was trendy. If your numbers are correct then I would think that there would be less room in the average americans budget for the internet and cable. I don’t see Comcast having any financial hardships. I think its fair to say that If 7 in 8 Americans are starving then 1 in 8 americans can’t afford to watch American Idol. Go look at their ratings sunshine.

    (Daddy’s Junky Music employee) “Schecter and Ibanez guitars are awesome bro!”

Turn off the distortion. See! I can tune my radio into a dead station too!” 

    (Cookie Cutter emo fanboy) “You listen to jazzzz!? How is that, not, like, yeah know, boring as hell?”

You listen to pre-pubescent boys who wear eye liner, moan on about imaginary girlfriends breaking up with them... again. How do you like, yeah know, not want to shoot yourself in the head!?

    (Attractive female mall zombie) “i just want like a guy who is funny and smart and understand and wants me for me and i don’t really care about looks but i cant date like geeks or nerds or people who even have a little fat cuz fat is gross and if they like star trek or wont watch reality tv then i don’t like them like i can never find a guy who wants me for me”

Excuse me, at what point in your punctuation forsaken moaning did you think that I was going to conjure a person like that. If you want to make a meaningful connections with people you need to be a little bit flexible with peoples life style chooses and interests. If you want ‘tha h0t guyz’ then don’t expect then to meet your emotional needs. In short stop operating on a double standard. Now if you will excuse me, trek is on. 

RE: Miller Brewing Company commercial

(watch it on Youtube[.com] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qe3xbO_24M)

If you find this scenario believable, you have clearly never had alcohol before. If you feel so strongly about watered down beer that you would pass up a steady relationship with an attractive woman, then LUUUV isn't the only word your screwing up.



This video is protected by Fair Use. DMCA me and I will make sure the court notice is printed on the back of a postcard. Read the law children.

Blamology/A stir fry recommendation

Blamology:

  Dear Musicians,
Sometimes its alright to play lots of notes and play them very fast, but you can’t do that exclusively. Music is an art not a sport. What your telling me when you blam a non-sensical sequences of notes in every song you play is that you are more interested in wanking your instrument then expressing something, and that you got your sense of melody from playing guitar hero. Basically what I am trying to say is this: Silence is worth 1000 notes. Not every book needs pictures.

Stir fry recommendation: 

    Don’t look for any hidden meaning in this part of the post, because there isn’t any. This for all of you home cookin’ types (all 3 of you that read my blog). Why can’t I make another post on the topic, you ask? Because brevity is the soul of wit, and because I don’t wanna so stop complaining. 
    Next time you make a stir fry with noodles, do the following:
1) Put several chili peppers (the smaller the better) into the boiling water with your noodles.
2) When you strain the water, leave the peppers in, and have them cook with the rest of the ingredients when you add the noodles to whatever you fried.
3) Cut 3-4 fresh peppers (again, the smaller the pepper the better) and put them into the frying pan, seeds and all.
4) Add a shot or two of tabasco sauce.
5) remove the whole peppers you boiled and enjoy!

I used rice noodles, for my spicy peppers I used jalapeños. I sauteed bite sized red bell peppers with some garlic powder, chicken, and a few pieces of tofu for texture. I added teriyaki marinade after I put the noodles in the frying pan. I did about 2 shots of tabasco sauce.

Non-secular science

I am getting sick and tired of explaining this to people. Intelligent design is NOT science. For those of you just learning about it, intelligent design (ID for short) is basically an attempt to make creationism secular (remember that, it will be important later). Intelligent design proponents are pushing for ID to be taught in science classes. They argue that evolution is “just a theory” and that the alternative theories should be taught. The way we use the word theory colloquially is different from what it means in science, and if you don’t know the difference between them then go look it up. If you do and you continue to say that evolution is “just” a theory then stop being a disingenuous prick.    
    Does anyone spot the problem with intelligent design being taught in science classes? Intelligent design is NOT a scientific theory. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying or didn’t pay attention in science class. I am going to lean toward the former because every science class I have ever taken explained in the first unit how science is done and what constitutes a theory. You can’t just think of something and start calling it a theory, and start complaining because it isn’t taught in science classes in contrast with a theory that is widely accepted and actually has *gasp* evidence!
    Generally the scientific process starts with a question or an observation, lets say you notice that trees closer to a stream are taller then those that are farther away. Next you develop a hypothesis. A hypothesis is often explained to as an “educated guess”, but really its just a potential answer to your question. A hypothesis MUST be testable. Then you test your hypothesis and gather data. If the data supports your hypothesis then you draw a conclusion and submit your findings for peer review. If you disprove your hypothesis then you alter it or come up with a new one and continue to experiment or observe until you find an answer to your question. And then you submit your findings for peer review. So what’s so difficult about that Mr. Intelligent design? Middle school students execute this process almost everyday. If you want intelligent design in science classes, you go use the scientific method like everyone else.
    And another thing. I don’t know how some of you got the idea in your head that disproving evolution automatically makes ID the winner by default, because it doesn’t. Ask a legitimate scientist and they will tell you that there is not really competition between evolution and ID. ID isn’t even a contender for reasons I already explained. They don’t even deal with the same things. Evolution by way of Darwinian natural selection deals with the diversity of life. ID is about the origins of life and the universe.
    Every time I explain all of this to someone trying to push intelligent design they pull the religious discrimination card. But wait a minute, I say, I thought intelligent design didn’t have anything to do with religion? Usually they then go on about how evil science is for keeping them out of the conversation because they are religious and so forth. Of course thats a load of crap, there are plenty of scientists who are theists. I have a question about religious censorship while we are at it. If your so sure that your believe is the one true religion, then why are you so offended when someone disagrees with you? I know not all religious people are like that, but some peoples reactions are way over the top.
    Back on topic. When people complain that this group or that group are trying to keep intelligent design out of schools, it makes no sense. Intelligent design has no place in a science curriculum, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be taught in another class, now does it? There are lots of classes in which students could be exposed to ID. Here is an idea, have an intelligent design proponent do a speaking tour at schools with a scientist. Have the ID person explain ID to the students. Then let the scientists explain the widely accepted scientific theories on the origins of life and the universe, and we can let the students choose for themselves.

Crackers for your chowder

    You walk into a restaurant. Its dimly lit, warm. The walls are painted a dark color, you can’t tell exactly what. Avant garde and abstract art are on display on the walls, and the floor. New-age fusion music plays in the background. This location is a popular meeting place for counter culture collectives.
    You sit down at the counter. The waitress approaches you and you order chowder. She brings you the chowder and charges you for your meal. $4.99. You open your wallet and find that it contains only a $5 bill. You hand her the bill. You dip the spoon into the chowder and bring it to your lips. It is warm. It is well seasoned. You taste hints of pepper and garlic. The chowder has more milk in it then is to your liking, and the contents are spread too thin. You ask the waitress for some crackers. The waitress explains that crackers are $2.00 extra. You express your outrage at the price. You could get a box of crackers for $2.00, you say. Filled with frustration and contempt, you climb up on the counter. You begin to shout. You spout grievances to the masses. After your breath is spent and your diatribe concluded, you sit.
    If you would have just order the crackers, the chowder comes extra, the waitress explained.


Life without money is like surgery without a knife: less painful and more difficult.

Call on lane two

You were born with a mouth in your head, not a cell phone. I know it may seem out of date to you, but please speak to me in a manner that doesn’t cost 20 cents a minute. While we are talking about money: texting costs money, email is free. You don’t need to be constantly communicating with everyone all the time.
    Stop texting while driving. Its obnoxious, and in case you didn’t notice there are 4000+ pound metal subcompacts traveling at 60 miles an hour around you. I would think you should be more focused on avoiding a collision then chatting with your BFF about how you ROLF’ed at the homeless guy on main street because he was being mugged by an accountant. So when you drive off a bridge while texting, at least you will get the last lol. 
    The thing that irritates me the most are these yuppies that complain about there being to much materialism in America, but they can’t put their phones down long enough to say hello. If your spending time with me, but your more focused on texting other people then the conversation we are having, the message your sending me is that you would rather be talking to them, and your just giving me lip service.

Bad Advertising

    “Bad Advertising”
    A dog in love with his bone seeks security. First he buries the bone, and no one touches it. But due to his stupidity and paranoia he seeks a more expensive method to secure his bone. So he puts his bone in the bank. No one touches it. But because of his stupidity and paranoia he seeks a more expensive method to secure his bone. Buy our insurance today.

"Hey Youtube!"

“Hey Youtube!”
Dear Youtube users,   
    Lets set the record straight for those who missed it the first time: Youtube[.com] is a website. What Youtube[.com] isn’t is a euphemism for everyone who participates on Youtube[.com]. If you want to address the Youtube[.com] using community as a whole, you could say: “Hey Youtube[.com]er’s”, or “Hello Youtube[.com] using community. When you say “Hey Youtube!” you are addressing a website. You may as well say “Hey a location connected to the Internet that maintains one or more pages on the World Wide Web!” Additionally, trying to address everyone on Youtube[.com] is a waste of time. At time of writing Youtube[.com] has an estimated 124 million registered members. The odds that 124 million people are watching your video at the same time leans a bit toward... well I don’t know maybe statistically impossible? Next time try “Hey viewers” instead.

Movie Rant 1

“Movie Rant 1: Sequels”

They always do better opening day and most of the time they piss me off. In the first installment of movie rants I intend to focus on two great movies, and why their sequel suck more then that blonde chick from fox news.
The first movie I would like to talk about is The Mummy (1999) staring Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz. Some of you might be skeptical because I classified The Mummy as great, but bear with me. The Mummy takes place in Egypt, and boasts just enough special effects to make the movie come to life, reasonable comic relief, subtle sexual tensions, and a tasteful dose of mythology. As an added bonus it is paced at a rate that most people can tolerate. Pacing is very important if your making a movie that is meant to be accessible, and is something many people over look.
The Sequel to The Mummy, is the Mummy Returns (2001). At this point I am going to assume that you have seen The Mummy and you know the characters. If you don’t feel free to bug off to a synopsis or watch the movie. The Mummy Returns is bearable at best. It has two issues that make the movie the lessor of the first. First and for-most, the child actor. Im going to get it out in the open: I hate child actors. I have never seen a movie with a child actor that I enjoyed. Child actors are basically hollywood robots that don’t behave at all like children. In the case of the little prick who played Rick and Evy’s son, if you look close enough you will find a slot in the back of his head labeled ‘insert lines here.’ I think it would have been a better call on the writers part if they had Jonathan put on the bracelet and get kidnapped. I liked the actor that played Jonathan and I would have liked to see him play a role that isn’t comic relief and we can do away with the child actor. Everyone wins. The second issue is that the pre-filming leg work, casting, writing and so forth, was over all weaker then the prequel’s. The entire film feels rushed. Additionally, the movie didn’t contain any elements that made me care about the characters.
Number three in The Mummy series is called The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. Just from the title, we know that there is something wrong. The movie takes place in China. There are no god damn mummies in China. The title mentions a tomb, but the characters really only spend 5 minutes of the film in a tomb, and its really just establishing the back story. Pharaohs in Egypt where Mummified, Emperors in China where not, so why are we dealing with an emperor in a movie called The Mummy? And what the hell is a dragon emperor? This is never explained, so I can only assume this it is a hook for the impressionable. If you think this oversight is bad, then you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is the worst movie in the series, by leaps and bounds. Lets start with the continuity errors. Rick and Evy’s son in The Mummy Returns has blonde hair and an English accent. In the Tomb of the Dragon Emperor he has brown hair and an American accent. I suppose its possible that after the events of The Mummy Returns Evy could have acquired a time machine, gone back in time to collect her pregnant self and then traveled to the future where science has mastered pre-implantation diagnostics and gene therapy and then bring her pregnant self back to the past to give birth to her genetically altered son. But Im not a film writer, what do I know? The biggest problem with this movie is that Rachel Weisz (Evy) isn’t in it. The chemistry between Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz is what made the original Mummy
work. Their contrasting acting styles and the varied approaches they took to their characters creates the odd couple feel. Earlier in the film this underscores the romance that would later occur. The worst part of the movie was the actress is who took up the roll of Evy. They replaced Rachel Weisz with an actress I can’t be bothered to research and who can’t take off her panties because she is afraid of bats. Im not just attacking her looks, she is also an awful actress. Sometimes I feel that Brendan Fraser is pulling her through the scenes. Speaking of bad acting, the rest of the cast was very disappointing. Basically, if you haven’t seen this movie, don’t.
Some of you may argue that the Mummy is a film series targeted at kids, and a film maker has to make some sacrifice of quality to make it accessible to pre-teens. While I acknowledge that the target age group is 13 year olds, its important to remember who your audience really is. Most of the people who watched and enjoyed The Mummy and The Mummy Returns where 13 years old when they came out, and are now grown adults. Grown adults, by the by, who have no interest in watching a fucking children's film! The film makers never make an attempt to explain the backstory or who the characters are and how they got there. The only people with any knowledge about the story are the aforementioned adults, so it makes sense to make the movie accessible to a wide age group.
The second film series I would like to talk about is The Matrix (1999). I would like to apologize to those of you who pretend The Matrix doesn’t have any sequels. Im not going to spend as much time on The Matrix because most of us already know how crappy the sequels are (however I will gladly rip apart The Matrix 2 and 3 if asked to). For those of you who don’t know let me explain it to you. The Matrix one: Sci-fi thriller and existentialism. The Matrix two: Sex and politics. The Matrix three: Explosions and CGI. Not that I don’t appreciate a good explosion, but it needs to mean something. The explosions of the death star in the original Star Wars, for example. It represents a new phase in the galactic struggle for freedom. The Matrix is a text book example of Sequel failure. It starts out as a great film, and get progressively less artistic and more superficial with each new movie. I liked seeing Keanu Reeves get beaten up, however. Even if it did look more like a cartoon that an actual fight seen.
Do you see what Im trying to get at here. A good movie isn’t good because of its name, it has to be judged by the merit of its content. Just because the original was good doesn’t mean you can add a few words to the title and expect the new movie to be groundbreaking. You can dye a turd purple, that doesn’t make it smell any better.