Complaint department

Complaining is a bit like singing. Everybody can do it, but not everyone knows how, or should. Some of you don't know what your doing, and your giving the word complain a negative connotation for the rest of us. I am going to educate the amateur complainers who happen to stumble upon my corner of the internet (I happen to know most of the people that frequent this page, all 3 of you, are seasoned trouble makers and masters of the complaint).

For those of you who doubt my credentials:

I am the offspring of a hippy and a jew. I am a cynical hobbit who in part shares a moral compass with Foamy The Squirrel (A rodent after my own heart).


#1: How to tell if your complain maker material

You should never complain if you:
Take Oprah seriously
Send more then 60 E-mails on a non professional basis a day
Think the quizzes on facebook/myspace mean anything
Consider Sitcoms an accurate depiction of everyday life
Consider makeup and cosmetic surgery an alliterative to being intelligent and likable
Think that Star Wars: The Clone Wars has any artistic value
Have not logged off of AIM (or whatever IM client you use) in the pass 40 days
Have a hard time with any of the concepts presented on sesame street.
Call yourself a poet and have a vocabulary of under 250 words.
Think Protons are those things from star trek.
Don't know the difference between Socialism, Communism, and a nuclear crisis.
are offended by the mention of Nazis or The Holocaust, and have no connection to either.
have ever used net-speak in a school paper, report for work, tax form, or job application and then wondered why you failed, got fired, found return to sender stamped on an envelope in your mail box, or didn't get the joke.
remember a time when the statement above applied to you and you pulled the discrimination card in response.
Hear voices in your head and/or think magic is an alliterative to modern medicine.
You think The Jetsons is based on a true story.
You don't understand which items on the list above are jokes, and which are serious..

You should complain if you:
Have little or no tolerance for “mainstream people”.
Can belittle the intelligence of someone discretely.
 you know when human rights are violated, but refuse to be emotional blackmailed into allying with self righteous tools.
Have and/or are prepared to haggle with a retail clerk at a moments notice.  
Understand why “objective morality” is ironic.
Can come up with insulting acronyms for: (g)Emo, Hippster, and (bonus question) Straight-Edge, in the space of 5 minutes. 
Cringe whenever someone says “Oh my god!”, use 'like' incorrectly, or doesn't understand the value of blue words and reflects their ignorance with there vocabulary.
Find people who use facebook/myspace as the focal point of their social lives revolting, but wish friendship status applications could be implemented in real life.
Hate people who tell you to stop using big words.

This list is only a first draft. Anyone who has additional items may submit them by Sending me an email, leaving a comment, or stapling your suggestion to a  seagull and sending it on its way.

If you passed the initial viability test: Congratulations, read on.

If you didn't pass the initial viability test: Its to late, you already increased my traffic figures. Kindly stop complaining until you have something meaningful to say. 


2# techniques and applications.


Chapter R: the soap box

getting up in-front of people is the oldest forum for complaints. If someone actually provides you with a soap box, standing on it is a rookie mistake. You should swing it around with force as you rant and throw it at hecklers. This strategy is even more effective when you are competing for an audience. The best advice I can give to anyone is to have a well thought out series of complaints, and find a way to deliver them that will be meaningful to those paying attention. I always found yelling to be the most effective tactic. But you can't yell all the time, you have to build up to it.

Chapter 14: Formal Complaints.

When dealing with corporations, people in positions of power, and so forth, you must make sure your clear about what your issue is. If your issue is with over all quality, it is best to cite specific failures. Remember that when people running corporation, and holding public office consistently fail , it is generally because they are stupid and incompetent. Keep this in mind as your plan and write your complaints. If you are writing a letter or email, try to write at a higher reading level then the person you are corresponding with. Often times the actual content of your complaints are irrelevant when trying to make the target feel like a moron.

Chapter L|0|L: Complaining on the internet[s].

Ten points if you picked on the absolute value joke.

Don't use net speak. Use punctuation. If you can read the following and understand it completely without any difficulty, then I hereby ban you from the internet.

my compter doesnt wory nemore do u no y i hav tryied all nothin i fonud her was usful just cuz it worz4u donot meen it dofor all plz help my problem iz bad and i ned to get it wor y dont ne1 help me cuz i be here for4hour typin and noone respnd ifz u ignor me cuz it wor4u thn help cuz tats mean muy comuter is slo for sum resason nad i hav to us it for wowz andmy high lvl lolmage neds to helpz the nubs.

The moral of this story is: before you post, type what you have to say into a word processor and COUNT THE RED LINES ASSHOLE.


Final thoughts:


Here is a simple way to tell if you should not be using the internet:


Refresh this page 3 times and then add “/ssabdmub” to the end of the website address and press return.